Updated 9/2009
It’s very difficult to put into words all that God has done in my life. The following is just a tiny part of my walk with Him. I pray that you will be encouraged as you read.
I was born in Cleveland, Ohio, and am the youngest of 5 children. All my brothers and sisters are considerably older, which left me pretty much on my own as they were grown and gone before I had a chance to really know them. I remember always feeling alone, left out and pushed aside as a child. I was a ‘reconciliation baby’, conceived after a year and a half of separation between my Mother and Father. My Mom really loved me, and I knew that, but she told me that she wept and wept when she found out that I was on the way, and my Father? Well, lets just say he was present, but not participant. I never understood why he never would hold my hand, or hug me, but would play and tickle my friends when they visited. How I longed for my Father’s touch. That set the stage for my life before I met Jesus Christ.
I could tell you stories about how my sisters tried to get rid of me by leaving me behind during walks, and how they literally tried to kill me. It might sound fantastic, and they tell me to this day (giggling) that they didn’t do those things, but it was real and it was hard for me. They hated me…or so it seemed. Siblings aren’t always delighted when a baby shows up and gets all the attention.
I was a quiet child, according to my Mom, and she would have told you that I could sing before I could talk. She used to recount stories of my spending hours and hours in my playpen humming away. I remember some of the first songs she taught me. ‘How Much is that Doggie in the Window’ was one of my particular favorites. I loved to sing, right from the very beginning. I made my first public debut as a singer at 3 years old when the pastor of our church stood me up on a box with a little bell in my hand, and I sang ‘The Christmas Bells are Ringing’ to the congregation. I remember doing it and I loved it. You see, people loved it when I sang, and they cooed and petted me. I reveled in the attention.
Not much changed in the next 30 or so years.
If you asked me what religion I was, I would tell you emphatically that I was a Christian. I mean, I grew up going to church, and my parents actually went with me on Christmas and Easter. We celebrated those holidays, and we were Christian, right? Sadly, year after year of warming a pew on Sundays was all I knew about Christianity. Oh, I had head knowledge of Jesus! I had head knowledge of God the Creator, and I even had heard about this Third person called Holy Spirit. Yes, I knew about the Trinity. Jesus was born at Christmas time and He was crucified and rose again at Easter time. I knew all of this very well. I could quote the 23rd Psalm and John 3:16. What else was there to know? As much as I knew, in my own way, I loved God, and really had a sense that I needed to go to church and be good. Basically, that’s what we were taught, so it was pretty much the depth of my faith.
I was tall for my age. I grew to nearly 6 feet tall very quickly, and believe me, whoever said ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me’ just had no clue how wrong they were. Names DO hurt, and can leave damaging scars on someone’s life. I grew so fast my head literally was spinning at times. I remember the actual pain of growing, so there really IS something called growing pains!
I never dated in high school. I never went to my proms or dances, as at that time it was not cool to ask a boy out. Never. They didn’t call me. I didn’t have a boyfriend. No one EVER picked me on a softball team, basketball team, soccer team, or any team because I was clumsy and awkward. I do remember watching other cute little girls and wishing I were more like they were. But…I could sing! That was something I could do very well, and I auditioned for choirs, plays and musicals and always had great reviews!
In college it was more or less the same, and I joined in with the crowds in drinking and partying. I made some very poor choices - I felt starved for love, and I desperately wanted to get married. I thought that was the answer. If someone would want me enough to marry me, then he must really love me. At last, that would be the ultimate, wouldn’t it?
And so, I was married at 23 years of age, and because of my past rejections and insecurities, I said ‘yes’ to the first man that asked me. I was so awed that somebody wanted me for life, and I went forward with bright-eyed expectations of rose covered cottages and happily-ever-after. Sounds dramatic? Yes, I guess it was, but I truly expected to finally be happy.
My life continued with partying and drinking, and I should have been for-warned, as alcoholism had been strongly tied to my family. As our lives together grew more and more miserable, I drank more and more, eventually to the point of hiding bottles around the house and drinking all day long. I became what I call a ‘closet alcoholic’, and nobody knew about it, not even my husband.
Because I am good at acting, outwardly, I was all smiles and happiness. With a name like “JOY” you have to live up to it, right? No one would have suspected the abuse going on in my life. But through it all, I went to church - There was something inside me that knew I had to be in church to be a good person. I sang in the choir, I sang solos, I sang in cantatas and special programs, and the people loved it. They loved it when I sang. I entertained them, and they loved me for what I could do for them. I was accepted there - important there.
I continued on with two lives, knowing full well that I was a hypocrite, but totally helpless to do anything about it. I tried to stop drinking and be really good, but I just couldn’t seem to do it. So life went on. I had two children; a daughter Kimberley and a son, Shawn. They are the dearest blessings of God in my life, now. But it was a struggle being a mom, and I continued consuming the alcohol, and to this day people will tell me that they never knew I had a problem. But my life revolved around being able to get drunk. I didn’t know then what I know now about the mercy of God. Nothing is hidden from Him. He truly keeps us for His divine purposes, and He had a plan for my life. I just didn’t know it yet.
One morning, in September of 1989, I awoke with a terrible headache and a sick stomach from the drink I had consumed the night before. My husband had already left for work, and I got up, got my children up and ready for school and saw them off on the school bus. I was so very ill that I went back into my bedroom, lay down on my bed and began to weep. I had never felt so alone and horrible in my life, helpless to change, and hopeless that anything would or could ever be different. I felt trapped, caged and bound by this terrible thing called alcohol, and I was at the end of my rope…rock bottom, they say.
I am reminded of a scripture that I love…Ecclesiastes 3:1 which says, ‘For everything there is a season; a time and a purpose under heaven…’
That particular day was my time, in my season, for God’s purpose. As I screamed and wailed, I found myself on my knees beside my bed, crying out to God to help me, to please help me. I told him, “You have to help me! I’ve tried to quit. I can’t do it. You can. I am so sorry. Forgive me! Please help me!” I think people probably will not understand that in my entire life, I had never heard a message in church or anywhere about surrendering my life to Jesus Christ. I never knew that it was up to Him to change me, not up to me to change myself. It was as simple as that.
I don’t know how long it was before my sobs finally subsided and I was able to get up off the floor. When I did, I realized that my headache was gone, my sick stomach was fine, and I felt rather…peaceful. I walked into my kitchen, looked around and just felt different somehow. As the day went on, I found myself just singing hymns and praising God, and as the hours progressed, I realized I had not taken a single drink, and more than that, I had no desire for one! Could it be?
Something had happened to me! Something I couldn’t even put into words. I just knew I didn't WANT to drink! More than that, I didn’t want to swear. I didn’t want to party anymore! You see, I didn’t want to hurt God. I didn’t want to do anything but please Him, for He had done this miracle for me. He had delivered me! He had healed me, and I was FREE! Instantly! (Since then, I have never, ever had even the slightest desire for alcohol…I don’t even think about it except to praise the Lord for what He did for me)
I would love to say that this was the end of the story, or the beginning of a wonderful change in my marriage, but it was not to be. It was over a year later that I finally heard a message from a preacher in another church I was visiting. He was speaking about the need to be ‘born again’. He explained that a person needed to lay down his life and allow the Lord to come in and change him. He spoke about letting God be LORD of my life; trusting Him to do what I was helpless to do. I realized then that the experience I had on my bedroom floor was exactly that, and that I was born again that day, and in God’s infinite mercy, He forgave me, healed me and delivered me from alcoholism in one instant. I had put my trust in God to do what I was helpless to do, and now, over a year later, God was giving me understanding as to what had happened. What a miracle had touched my life!
At first, in my excitement over the experience with God, I thought my husband would be saved, my children would be saved and we would all live happily ever after…I really did want that with my whole heart. But, in the end, my husband left this new 'me', taking my son with him. My daughter stayed with me, but only because she saw me nearly break down when my son left. My marriage of 18 years had failed. But God held me oh so close.
As my family was torn in two, my heart was broken beyond belief, but I knew that I knew that I knew that God had healed me, and that I truly belonged to Him. I knew that if He could heal and deliver me, He could get me through this troubled time. I knew that if there was any hope, it was found in the person of Jesus Christ. If there was to be any future, it must be the future God has chosen. If there is any true love, it is found in the gracious arms of God. If there is to be any peace, it must be found in Christ alone. I began to cling to the promises God made in His Word and to declare them over my family. I began to fight with the Word of God and live with the shield of faith. I began to grow as Holy Spirit revealed the deepest things of God to me. Jesus Christ, IN ME! Imagine! God never said it would all be perfect. He never said all would be well on this earth. He never promised that we would not have pain, and in fact, His Word says that He came to bring a sword that would even divide some families. God knew.
Yes, my heavenly Father knew. He Who knows the end from the beginning sent His Son, Jesus, to climb that hill and to give Himself up to the cross and crucifixion for me. He looked forward into the future and saw a sinful, confused, lonely woman crying out on her knees for help from the floor of her bedroom. He saw that the only way to heal her from alcohol, the only way to set her free, the only way to be able to forgive her sins, the only way to release her from her pain and the only way to ensure her eternity in heaven with Him was to submit Jesus to the beatings and scourging, submit Him to the taunting and torment, to climb upon the cross and let His perfect life blood flow out from Him unto death as payment for my sins. He became the perfect sacrifice for me. He did it for me! That’s how much He loves me. That’s how much he loves you. He took all of my sins, rejections, sicknesses and addictions to that cross and crucified them there. He defeated death, rose again, and because He lives, I can live also. Free. Complete. Whole. Loved unconditionally...for I have a wonderful relationship as I live with HIm day by day, and He, unlike any person on earth, will never leave me or forsake me...that is His promise to ANYONE who believes!
Since that time, it would take a book to write all that God has done in my life. He took me to a wonderful place in Toronto, Canada, where I was touched by His sweet Holy Spirit and radically healed of rejection. That is the place I found out about the Father’s love, and that the Christian life can and should be full of joy and excitement.
He’s done miracles in my life to prepare me for ministry. He’s sent me around the world preaching and singing of His love for all men. He’s touched me and entrusted me with songs from heaven that have brought salvation to the lost, healing to the sick, and deliverance to the oppressed and possessed! Every day is a new day to praise Him. Every moment is a chance to whisper how much I love Him. For such a time as this, I was created.
I don’t sing for men now, I sing for God, for He has changed my heart. You see, I am a key player on God’s team. He created me just as I am, and He has made a covenant with me for eternity! My heavenly Father has taken me by the hand and is leading me into my future! I have a wonderful relationship with Him. My life is full of the Glory of the Lord, and my expectations, desires, hopes and dreams come from the knowledge of Who He is. I am accepted, loved and cherished by Him who died and lives in me, and as He continues to teach me and change me, His plans for my life are being revealed and fulfilled. He will never fail me...that is His promise.
In closing, I must ask this: Precious Child, do YOU know how much the Father loves you?
